Draw Your Nuclear Family

I drew this atrocity.

Then I replaced the professional family portrait we have up as our WhatsApp group display picture with this. We had a laugh. Nobody changed it.

My attempt at drawing a caricature family portrait was because of a ‘draw your nuclear family’ prompt on the deck of reflection cards that I almost always forget about. But it said that the person you draw next to you is the family member you’re closest to.

I automatically drew my mum; and yes, I’d say I am closest to her than Teddy and Gratia.

But that said, I wouldn’t say we’re actually close. I’ve never taken the time to think about this before, but I’ve always admired my mum as a person in her own right, and I’ve always felt incredibly supported by her. You know that certainty that no matter what, you have their support? I’ve always subconsciously felt that. I’ve also never had any trouble talking to my mum, but we’ve never really gone heartfelt deep into any topics. Not because I don’t want to, or that I can’t, but simply because it just hasn’t come up. I generally don’t go heartfelt deep into topics with anyone anyway - this suits me perfectly; and she’d always just go to her best friend to have these conversations if she needs to - Aunty Adiya. Such best friends that she named me after her!

Overall, my relationship with my mum is simple and sure. I wouldn’t change it except maybe to talk to her more. But even if I didn’t, I’d have no regrets cause it’s just so ‘sure’. And I hope she feels the same way. I should probably ask her and find out how she feels. I probably never will.

Now my siblings? I don’t know how to describe my relationship with them. Definitely not close, but also comfortable. Sometimes though, I feel like I should do more to know exactly what’s going on in their lives, and maybe have some input? But that’s always a fleeting thought cause I’m not capable of having input into anybody’s lives - it’s their life. Plus, I don’t want to start a trend of worrying about people who I have absolutely no control over.

Teddy tries! He reaches out periodically to say hi, and he shares his feelings and vulnerabilities sometimes - typically about his work and where he is in life. We stay clear of relationship talk. Gross. Gratia is a typical youngest-sister-who’s-twelve-years-younger-than-me - she reaches out with memes and Kpop/Kdrama gist…and I do the same. It’s our little thing.

With Teddy and Gratia, the past year has been an interesting one whenever I think of them. I always stop myself because the deeper I think…which isn’t too deep cause I’m not a deep thinker - I wish. And I’m not being sarcastic - I really do wish…anyway, the deeper I think about them the more I worry. I worry about whether they will be alright. Whether they are applying themselves. Whether they will regret their decisions. Whether they will become a burden on me. A burden on themselves. A burden on my mum. I think those things because Teddy has been struggling to fully take off a business for years, and Gratia is just starting out but seems so lazy about her work. So typical elder sister feelings that I never really share.

So no, not quite close to them either. If I were to rate it now though, it would be (1) closest to mum (2) closer to Teddy (3) close-ish to Gratia. I see a trend here - they are in order of how much of my life I’ve known them. Is this normal? Somebody tell me!

I’ll close with a confession. When I drew that atrocious family portrait, I also drew a tall shadow, half out of the page - Sherif. Somehow, somewhere, I’ve started to think of him as family too, even though nothing truly connects us except time, friendship, appreciation, and bursts of love. A reflection for another day.